Freudian Feeding

9 May

Unlimited breakfast buffets reveal true personalities. I don’t care who you are – princess, heir to an incredibly successful dog breeding business, or a distant cousin of Audrey Hepburn – a free bowl of yogurt will reveal your Freudian Id.
There are several types of buffet attendees. Each has a different profile and set of habits.
What kind of buffet go-er are you? Take this eye-opening quiz to find out! 

Type One

1.) Do you put smoked salmon and pancakes with maple syrup on the same plate?

2.) Will you cut food with a spoon if a knife is unavailable and finding one would mean waiting two to three minutes to eat?

3.) Do you put Greek yogurt in your coffee if milk or cream is unavailable?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are what we call – in the buffet categorizing business – an “Indiscriminate Buffet Consumer.” When you see a buffet, you don’t see a bunch of very different foods, each designed to appeal to a different palate. There is no order in which you consume salty versus sweet. You see empty plates and a lot of food, and with each grasp of the serving tongs, rules go out the window.

Buffet tables erase your taste buds and convince you that you haven’t eaten in years and years. Never mind that you ate a farm-grown cut of beef last night and washed it down with a pint of Guinness. Cheese covered in yogurt? Dairy is good for bones! Bacon wrapped around a banana? Protein meets Potassium, the two important Ps of breakfast. Breakfast tea and orange juice make for a potent cocktail of caffeine and cold-defense; you’ll never be sick again, and you’ll have the energy to grab life by the balls (or horns, your choice). 

Just make sure you come up for air.

Type Two

1.) Does a plate of pastries make you feel overwhelmed?

2.) Do you usually leave a buffet having paid $20 and only consumed a bowl of yogurt?

3.) If someone asks you, “What’s your favorite color,” do you respond with, “I don’t know, what?”?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are a “Forced Minimalist.” 

You think buffets are promised lands — until you get in there, and you see that spread and the crowds, and your heart starts racing, and you lose all sense of self.

Maybe I’ll start with the yogurt and fruit, and then go for the sweet pastries. Or maybe it’s better to eat the yogurt now, before people have decimated it with their individual serving spoons and accidental in-front-of-the-food sneezing. Plus, pastries travel better, so I could wrap them up for later. But do I really need pastries? I did say I was going to make this a responsible and tasteful buffet experience. But seriously, of all the days to start dieting, why did I pick today?? Also, why the hell am I at this buffet? Who invited me here? Oh right, it was Agnes. Screw Agnes, I don’t even like breakfast! This is why I shouldn’t have friends. Maybe, I’ll move to a cabin in the woods and live off of the land for a while. Good luck inviting me to your dumb birthday buffet celebration without an email address or a postal code!

Ok, I think I’ll get the yogurt.

Raised in a pro-choice family, and you can’t even choose what food to eat to start your day. I hope that single plain yogurt tastes like $20. Happy f^%#ing birthday, Agnes.

Type Three

1.) Do you like toast, but like, not that much?

2.) Do you take handfuls of mints when you leave Chinese restaurants?

3.) Have you ever “blamed it on the alcohol”? 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are a “I Think I’ll Just Take a Bit of…” buffet attendee.

You tend to revel in excess and then lie to yourseld. You think you’re the picture of health because you do yoga, but you only do yoga to work off entire pizzas.

When the doctor asks you approximately how many drinks you consume per week, you answer, “two to three, but only in social situations,” as you clutch the flask in your pocket and try to remember where you left your bra.

Getting things for free gives you the adrenaline rush that people seek from skydiving and stalking celebrities in the streets. 

Free eggs?? I CANNOT say no to free eggs! Unlimited coffee, with no strings attached? I will take seven cups and then, as a result, also save on laxatives!

You’re allergic to gluten, but you bother to toast a piece of bread and smother it in jam because it’s there, and it’s free, and you just never see a good piece of toast anymore. You’ll only eat half of it. OK, maybe three-quarters, but you WILL leave some on your plate. Same goes for waffles and croissants and sausage links and grapefruit. 

You cover your plate with a napkin because if you can’t see it, it never happened. 

“How was the buffet,” some condescending bitch at spin class will ask you.

You honestly don’t remember. You blacked out for the whole thing. 

Type Four

1.) Do you challenge people to recreational squat contests?

2.) Do you kind of think Mike Tyson is a bad ass?

3.) Do you compare your grandchildren to Ethel from the club’s granddaughter, you know, the Harvard graduate doctor

If yes, you are a “Buffet Competitor.” 

You walk into a breakfast buffet and you see an Olympic stadium. The diners are your rivals. Every time someone gets up to take something, you get up faster, like a puma with an affinity for eggs, sunny-side-up. You’d rather eat dog shit than be told they’ve “run out of your favorite bran cereal.” (In reality, you’d never eaten dog shit, but you’ll say anything to intimidate the competition.)

You may “accidentally” bump into that man who’s reaching for the last slice of banana bread, only to give him a grin and steal it out from under him, with the maneuvering of Edward Scissorhands. 

In your playbook, women and children do not get priority at the buffet. Being a kid shouldn’t guarantee the last Mickey Mouse-shaped pancake – we were all kids once, and besides, “Gluten is what killed Bambi, kid.” 

Now he’s crying and you’ve got Mickey. Your work is done.

Type Five

1.) Do you love breakfast?

2.) Are you of the “eat when you’re hungry” mantra that’s sweeping the nation?

3.) Are you not the type of person who suckles soft-serve ice cream out of the machine after a bad breakup? 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re a “Jimmy Buffett.”

You thrive in buffet environments. Buffets were made for you, and you were made for buffets. Hell, it’s even in your name. 

You have a very reasonable and measured relationship with food. You don’t peruse restaurant menus as a pastime, and a bowl of Frosted Flakes does not send you into apoplexy. If you hear someone grunt while eating, you lose your appetite and have to immediately go for a power walk to re-center your chakra.

Buffets do not threaten or overwhelm you because you know that if you once ate a fruit bowl, chances are, you will eat another one at some point in your life. It doesn’t have to be today at a buffet, but at some point.

You also probably have hobbies and things to do during the day, so the buffet is not the highlight of your week. Good for you! Your parents must be proud.

You are lucky to be able to eat and accept. Unlike the “I Think I’ll Just Take a Bite of…” people, you are not driven by guilt. You are confident in your choices, and are therefore not compatible with those who blindly tend toward excess.

(To find out more about your buffet love compatibility, please click on the link below and then submit your social security number and your debit card pin to our super secure online payment portal.)

So, what will it be? Yogurt, smoked salmon, or both?

I’ll give you a minute.



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