Award Show Recap (BYO Doughnuts)

27 Aug

It’s only Wednesday and this week has already been exhausting – partly because we drove my sister down to D.C. for college this weekend and only had fruity granola bars and nectarines as “snacks”…but mostly because the VMAs and the Emmys were on.

I watch entertainment award shows like detectives solve crimes: with a magnifying glass, next to a box of donuts, in a dimly lit room with only one lamp.

I watch – and re-watch – every line, every segment, every glance at the camera. I make mental lists of speeches I liked and moments I thought were stupid. Tivo only adds fuel to my fire…hence why I watch alone in a dimly lit room…

And, it’s not like the award show craze ends after the show! In fact, the entire process of watching an award show is really three-fold and mathematical, like this bell curve that I found on Google after Googling, “math graphs that go up and down”:


First, there’s the “Big Question Posing” build-up to the show: Ex. What will Amy Poehler wear to the Emmys?

Then, there’s the “Answering of the Big Question Posing” portion that immediately follows the show: Amy Poehler wore a dress to the Emmys.

And finally, we arrive at the in-depth, highly critical “Analysis of the Answers to the Big Questions that Were Posed” portion, which lasts for days, and even weeks: What do we think of this? How are we feeling about it? What did Joan Rivers say on Fashion Police? How will Amy Poehler’s dress choice impact my life? Can I look at her the same way? Will I need to change the tone of my voice when I bring her up at dinner parties? Was there anything about her ensemble that would upset my grandmother if I did choose to bring it up at dinner parties?

(For the record, Amy looked stunning and my grandmother and I are on good terms.)

The entire process is enough to leave you “suffering from exhaustion” in a Beverly Hills hospital.

So, as a means to decompress from this madness, I thought I could outline some of my personal highlights from this weekend’s affairs.

Let’s begin with the VMAs:

beyonce vmas

Now, onto the Emmys.

Highlight #1: One Person Don Can’t Fire

One of my favorite moments of the Emmy show build-up was when Donald Trump tweeted the following about Seth Meyers:

“That Seth Meyers is hosting the Emmy Awards is a total joke. He is very awkward with almost no talent. Marbles in his mouth!”

Good one, Donny. I don’t know about you, but the old “marbles in your mouth” insult always gets me good. And with the addition of an exclamation point, you really stuck it to him – you might as well have made fun of his mother.

I guess we can’t all have the complexion of a leather love seat and the voice of an angry, Italian butcher.

Highlight #2: Weird Al Yancovic’s Third Leg

Weird Al Yancovic’s performance was weird. I suppose we can’t fault him for that – it would be like faulting a stork for dropping off a baby.

What really stood out about Al’s *demonstration* was the long, prominent third leg that was dangling between his other two legs for the majority of his act.

weird al emmys

(If you look between his legs, you’ll find one part of a Baby Mobile just swinging in the breeze.)

Why no one opted to help him adjust it is beyond me. Maybe they thought a dangling chord would make him and his performance memorable?

If that was the case, then their tactic worked! I will always remember that time Russell Brand’s mic fell off at the Emmys.

Highlight #3: Breaking Bad Does Good

I don’t watch Breaking Bad, for which I know I’ll probably go to Hell. But, I will say that I was seriously routing for those guys. Mostly because of the bromance that exists between Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston.

bryan aaron

I mean, that alone is enough to make a girl scream with glee and throw her puppy and Jamba Juice to the curb.

Never mind the fact that they both made the other cry during their acceptance speeches…(but that could have been the meth withdrawals speaking).

Highlight #4: Bryan Gets Some

julia bryan

Bryan Cranston and Julia Louis-Dryfus proved that they are the real Masters of Sex when they engaged in a spontaneous make-out in front of their peers and spouses.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that someone should make a sitcom about fast-talking, Jewish New Yorkers and well-intentioned drug cookers living together and falling in love in an apartment because this kiss needs to become a weekly event.

Highlight/Lowlight #5: Jim Parsons Wins an Award for Playing Himself

I apologize to everyone who loves the Big Bang Theory, but Jim Parson’s acceptance speech proved once and for all that Jim Parsons is…Sheldon Cooper, his character.

jim parsons

I mean, he used big words like, “divergent” and “landscape.” NERD ALERT.

His speech was sweet and grateful, but at one point, while I was watching, I had to ask my dad to change the channel because I “didn’t want to miss the Emmys.”

Don’t worry, though, Jim! You still have fans in your fellow nominees:

ricky emmys

(Oh, ignore him, he’s probably still bitter about the 2012 Golden Globes.)

jim parsons response

(A bad clam, perhaps?)

matt leblanc emmys

(Sorry, Jim, no chance with this one. Joey’s definitely going to beat you up with a chicken Parmesan sub after this…) 

So those are my five highlights from the 2014 Emmy Awards.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to replace the bulb in my lamp…





One Response to “Award Show Recap (BYO Doughnuts)”

  1. thisthatandtheotherthang August 28, 2014 at 3:33 pm #

    Haha! These award shows really are just like the hyperbole graph, the highs, the lows, the “OH-MY-GOD-BECKY-LOOK-AT-HER-DRESS moments. I’ve got say, the highlight for me was definitely Amy Poehler (because she is God) and the Bryan Cranston/Julia Louis-Dryfus lip-lock. I mean, how epic was that?! But I didn’t even notice Weird Al’s third leg! He really is a man of all talents 😉

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