Cake At First Sight

25 Jul

Have you ever watched something SO stupid that it made you feel compelled to stuff your face with cake to soak up the stupidity?

That’s how I felt after watching the new reality show, “Married at First Sight.”

(Actually, a more apt description of the cake incident is that I saw half a box of leftover birthday cake looking stupid on my kitchen counter and decided it would look better in a bowl near my face…but blaming the show just feels right.)

I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my time, but this show definitely takes the cake. (Actually, the cake is gone – see above – so this show can have the rest of the pie, provided I don’t eat that, too.)

The premise of this show is to document the random marriages of a bunch of single, fame-hungry people who decided that, since their audition tapes for “Jeopardy: Singles Edition,” “The Real World: Desperate and Alone,” and “Duck Dynasty: Still Desperate, Still Alone, but Surprise, I’m Now a Bigot!” were rejected, they should apply to be on a show where marriages are handed out like “You’re Special” trophies at a private preschool for trilingual celebrity children.

Basically what happens is that these people – one of whom was a contestant on the Bachelor but who is totally, completely dedicated to finding love on this more realistic, less “Hollywood” type of romance show – are analyzed by psychologists, marriage counselors and sex therapists, and are then paired off by these renowned experts.

After this intense psychoanalysis, the contestants arrive at the altar, where they meet their spouses for the first time and wed in front of their nearest and dearest.

The show then documents the first few weeks of these marriages, after which, the couples must decide to either stay married or get divorced.

Sounds too stupid to be fake, right?

Well it is. But it’s also too stupid to ignore. Which makes watching it my new favorite pastime.

Let’s review the highlights from last week’s pilot episode, shall we? 

First couple: Doug and Jamie – The Beauty and the Beast


In the first episode, Doug and Jamie wrestled with a quintessential issue that most soon-to-be-wed and then wed-within-the-hour couples face: lack of attraction.

Given the choice between sleeping next to a headless Chihuahua or Doug, Jamie would have chosen the Chihuahua. This made for some serious pre-wedding anxiety and a lot of snot-filled close-ups of Jamie saying things like, “I was really expecting to have butterflies when I saw Doug…I don’t want to be rude…but, like, I’m gonna have to dance with him!”

Yes, Jamie, the dance really is the worst thing facing you at this point. Might I suggest accidentally melting off your own feet? That might work.

And as for the butterflies, you have every right to be disappointed, Jamie! Just because you agreed to marry someone at first sight does NOT mean you can be denied your inalienable right to butterflies. (But may I suggest moths for you? You can find them at Sears.)

Oh, and Doug – when you told the cameras that you planned to “grow on Jamie like a fungus,” and then proceeded to say to Jamie, “I don’t know about you, but I’m a spooner…” I saw her gag herself with a spoon. So you might want to rethink that “ugly but charming and kind of funny” vibe you’re going for.

Second couple: Vaughn and Monet – The Hot Mess Express


Vaughn and Monet did not look at each other during their entire wedding ceremony. Monet crossed her eyes and looked like she was trying to hold in a giant turd. Vaughn tried to seem relaxed and collected but looked like he was about to wed someone who looked like she was holding in a giant turd.

At one point, Monet had to lean against a wall because she was having a panic attack. Her proud new husband explained to viewers that the situation was “a little awkward because we just married and we don’t know each other.”

Oh, okay, so that’s what was going on. I thought Monet was having a tree nut allergy attack. Thank you, Vaughn, for being able to decipher your wife’s emotional subtleties.

And thank you to the show’s psychologist who put us all at ease when he explained that the new couples “might be nervous” and “might have anxieties.” I’m glad they hired you to explain the science behind the magic.

Third couple: Jason and Cortney – The Drunken Horndogs


Jason and Cortney were so obviously meant to be the “hot” couple of the group. I mean, anyone who spells the name “CoUrtney” without a “U” must be someone special.

Both admitted to finding the other attractive.

(The sex therapist was the only person responsible for this match-up, I guarantee it.)

Despite their attraction, Cortney did admit that she was “working to get to know [Jason]” because the whole “getting to know you part” was something they had “skipped.”

*Producers panicked after Cortney said this and so decided to fill two minutes of footage with a conversation between the couple about Cortney’s struggling career as a makeup artist.*

After that conversation, it was clear that these two would be able to support each other emotionally and intellectually for as long as they both shall live.

Luckily for us viewers, none of the couples decided to bail on their marriages. This means we have several weeks of meltdowns and screaming matches to witness and laugh about with our friends over cheese and crackers (and cake).

My money is on Team Drunken Horndogs because “Horndog” rhymes with “corndog” and I would totally wed at first sight for one of those right now…









7 Responses to “Cake At First Sight”

  1. Kayla August 21, 2014 at 11:21 pm #

    I can’t believe this is real! Of course, now that I know it exists, I’m probably going to have to watch an episode of it…. all thanks to you xD

    • sophpearl August 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm #

      Haha I’m so glad I can spread the word! Seriously though, you will get addicted…it happened to me! Thanks for reading!

  2. Chowderhead August 17, 2014 at 4:00 am #

    Oh my god that show SUCKS. There was never been a show with so much suck packed into it before in the history of sucky TV. Funny post, chick!

    *picks up remote and changes to Discovery Channel*

  3. essbee14 July 28, 2014 at 12:02 am #

    Ah ha ha – this was hilarious! Your future may be in reality show reviews (if your brain doesn’t melt first).

    • sophpearl July 29, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

      Thank you!! And haha, you might be on to something! I have such a soft spot for dumb entertainment 🙂

  4. thisthatandtheotherthang July 25, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

    This is for realz? Holy buckets of cake this IS FOR REALZ!!! What will they think of next?! I mean….

    • sophpearl July 29, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

      RIGHT? And yet I’m watching. Typical.

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