A Shiatsu for Your Shih Tzu

1 Jul

Saw this on the way into work today:

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If you can’t see, the details at the top of the sign say “Boarding. Day Care. Aquatic Therapy. Pick Up & Delivery. Pet Retail Store. Veterinary Hospital.”

Apparently, dog spas are a thing. And apparently, Boston Red Dog Resort and Spa thinks it can care for my pet as well as I do

…which it totally can.

Actually, it can care for my pet eight bajillion times better than I can care for her…or for myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about pet spas, lately.

And by “a lot” I mean Kim Kardashian mentioned them on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I thought, now that’s a stupid thing to say, Kim.

Just to give you some background, Kim suggested the dog spa because her sister’s dog relieved itself ALL OVER the house, and poor Kim just couldn’t deal with the smell of “poo” embedding itself in her cardigan collection.

Welcome to the real world, Kim. Where poo sweaters are as regular as “poo” itself; where women own one to two sensible cardigans; and where we lowly humans use the word POOP.

Of course you bring your little Woofie to pet spas, Kim. Your life is a spa! You saying you’re bringing your dog to a spa is like me saying, “oh, I think I’ll breathe some air today.” It’s just a natural part of life!

Kim aside, I don’t understand pet spas. Maybe this is because I’m one of those people who like dogs but who wouldn’t choose a dog over a Snuggie and a good rom-com…

Or maybe it’s because I’m a really jealous person and I can’t stand the idea of my dog getting to sport facial cucumbers while I pick them out of a salad I bought at 7/11 to accompany a mystery meat tequito and a 99 cent bag of beef jerky…

Or, maybe I’m averse to dog spas because my dog and I are estranged at the moment:

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Regardless, I just don’t get them. You’re trying to tell me that my dog – the same one who licks her own butt and stares at me while I’m on the toilet – is really going to benefit from a the perks of a spa?

Will my dog really appreciate the pure pleasure that comes from sitting in front of a steamer for twenty minutes and then getting your pores squeezed until your face turns red and your eyes water and you sneeze in the face of your esthetician?

Does nail polish even adhere to dog nails?

What if my dog sheds and gives her masseuse allergies, and then the masseuse sues us for punitive damages? (Or for whatever official reason a masseuse would sue dog owners to assuage allergy-related grievances.)

And isn’t aquatic therapy for fish with daddy issues? Am I wrong about that?

Besides, I’m pretty sure my dog would rather share a bed with the neighbor’s cat than jump into a body of water.

I obviously want my dog to be happy, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I am really the one who should be sent to a spa…

A pet spa, specifically. It seems there are even more perks to a pet spa than to a regular spa.

I’d love to put my floaties on and get all Freud with a therapist in an aquatic setting! And luckily, the vet would be right around the corner to help empty my lungs after so much time spent discussing my feelings whilst underwater.

I’m not to old for “day care,” either. My mom is always threatening to hire a babysitter to monitor me, so day care would surely obviate the need for that “consequence.” Plus, in day care I’d get the inclusive experience of “age mates,” and I’d learn important lessons about sharing and using macaroni for decorative purposes.

And once my summer diet kicks into gear, I could for sure find something to fit a human in a “pet retail store.” I think I could fit quite nicely into Golden Retriever sized accessories!

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Don’t you DARE tell me I wouldn’t look good in a birthday suit…I’m feeling sensitive today.

Seriously, what do I have to do to be sent away to a dog spa?

Maybe I’ll just start choosing the floor over the toilet.

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4 Responses to “A Shiatsu for Your Shih Tzu”

  1. essbee14 July 4, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

    I had an embarrassing moment the other day paging through a magazine at the doctor’s office and pausing to take in a delicious dish in an ad before realizing it was dog food. It seriously looked better than dinners I make for myself. I think I’ll try to get reincarnated as a dog next time around…

    • sophpearl July 4, 2014 at 8:04 pm #

      HA that’s awesome! Classic mistake. They make those commercials so appealing! It’s not your fault.

  2. thisthatandtheotherthang July 1, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

    Hahaha!!! Literally LOL’d at this post, girl! And I completely agree! Doggie spas? Doggie sweaters? Doggie resorts? I mean, I love my pooch to death but no. Just no.

    • sophpearl July 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm #

      Haha thanks so much! Yes, don’t even get me started on resorts! My dog is happiest on her bed, watching “Cops.” And that’s the truth.

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