Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

6 May

Since the end of the Geneva program, I have been traveling with my grandparents around Prague!

And do you know what’s great about traveling with adults who love me? We get to stay in a hotel!!

Besides a working toilet, a television that only plays shows from Dubai, a bed sans insects, and an unlimited amount of soap, there are some serious perks to this lifestyle.

Let me tell you a little something about my experience…

CONCIERGE LOUNGE.

Wow. Okay where do I even begin?

The concierge lounge is this amazing invention that allows me to go upstairs to magic floor number 7 in my knickers and stockings and forage for little cookies and biscuits at any given time during the day.

(I just aged myself about forty years in that sentence…and made myself sound like a woodland creature.)

Like a good babysitter who makes sure you eat your vegetables, the lounge reminds me that mirrors lie, so I should eat all of the desserts in sight.

Thanks to the lounge, I am not at risk of becoming emaciated…That was really my number one concern for this trip because the Czechs eat super low cal things like fried sausage and fried beef and fried oil and fried Coke and fried asparagus and fried air. They’re basically glutenatarian. I can’t hang with that Hollywood lifestyle.

The other great thing about hotel living? My robe. God do I feel classy in that mofo. I love the way the scratchy terry cloth material rubs up against my skin and says, “hey, I’m here for you. If you expand, I expand. Now go eat all of the desserts in sight!”

I’ve clearly made all the right kinds of friends in this city.

Between my robe and the lounge, I’m really settling nicely into Prague!

I’m also learning a LOT.

My grandparents make me read the news at breakfast because they think it will solve the problem I always complain about, which is that I “don’t know anything that’s going on in the world.”

They’re really good at problem solving.

I’ve also learned that there is a lot you can learn about a person when you live with them.

Here is a scene taken from this morning:

I asked my grandfather if I could use his iPad to write a blog post because I “had an inspiration.”

Five minutes later, he found me clipping my toenails and Googling, “the origins of the doughnut.”

After which, he asked me how I could have possibly gotten distracted from an “inspiration.” He then said to me, “Sophie, I love you…but I could NEVER live with you.”

See, it’s only been a few days and I already know my grandfather could never live with me! Ah, learning.

The reason my grandfather could never live with me is because I use his iPad-or, as he says, his “machine”- as a coaster; I passively say “I’m coming” when he tells me – for the fifth time in a row- that it’s time to go somewhere; I leave my retainer lying around the bathroom because I’m too young to care for such nice things; I also have a tendency to “fake sleep” whenever anyone tries to wake me up in the morning.

Hmm yeah I’m no picnic.

But I’m working on it! Whenever I drop something on the ground with reckless abandon, my grandparents *encourage* me to *consider* an alternative way of doing things.

I’m basically enrolled in the Montessori school of roommate etiquette. So my future roommates should count their lucky stars.

Besides, being roommates with someone is a great way to really get to know them.

Which isn’t always a good thing…

For instance, you could have a really great friend named Martha who is abnormally hyper and focused all of the time. You might parade around saying, “Oh, Martha, what an upbeat, driven young business professional!” You may wonder why your wallet is always empty after your Wednesday lunch meetings…But you’ll ignore this because, WOW, is Martha great!

And you know what? After moving in with Martha the Great, you’d learn that gold old Martha is a coke addict who had been stealing from you for the last ten years.

Granted, this story would get both of you on Jerry Springer, and the fame you’d acquire would be enough to offset the money that Martha stole from you…you might also become E News’ newest anchor, as well as a wrist watch model…

Okay so forget what I said. Everyone should move in with everyone so you get to meet Jerry Springer and model stuff!

Anyway, living with people can be hard. That was my point.

Luckily, my grandparents are very forgiving and let me make a mess and accidentally spill balsamic vinegar on their expensive clothes. And they don’t even get mad!

(Somebody planted that vinegar in an obscure position on the table, I swear.)

So no worries here!

Anywho, I’ve also seen quite a bit of Prague. From the Old Town to the Jewish Quarter to the…New Town? (Admittedly, I’ve only retained two of the city’s regional names.)

But, after a few days of being here, I’ve decided that Prague is kind of like that beautiful classmate of yours who is, well, beautiful, but who – come to find out – has a thing for collecting dead spiders and communicating with spirits. She’s a wee bit…dark.

I mean, yes, she’s definitely beautiful:

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And she has a ton of friends! But not the good kind, you know?

They’re the kind of friends who are so desperate for her approval that they follow her around and constantly smile at her and dress up in really flamboyant outfits to impress her.

And they basically get nothing in return. They are like her little puppets!

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I mean, come on, ladies! Have some self-respect!

Ruth, Prague was lying when she said she liked your bonnet because it reminded her of “a simpler time.” She just feels less insecure about herself when she sees you dressed in cow farmer garb.

Lucy, take off those dumb glasses! You look like Harry Potter’s lesser-know cousin, Sally- Not-Magic.

And Karen..everyone knows Prague just keeps you around because you’re just the token ginger of the group…take your dog for a walk and get some clarity.

Don’t even get me started on the guys. Prague has them wrapped around her finger! Look at how they just ogle at her:

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Hey, triplet doctors on the right! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You are men of medicine!

Soldier Boy with the double chin! Did you really think we wouldn’t be able to see YOU?

And creepy dude on the left without a visible occupation…put your tongue in your mouth and get your hand off your stomach! She’s not a steak, she’s a human.

Okay, so maybe I’ve been a little harsh on Prague. Maybe people don’t treat her the way they should.

Sure, on the outside she may be your classic tall, blonde, Czech beauty.

But she’s not perfect. She’s got a dark side for sure…

To start out, Prague definitely has a drinking problem.

Yesterday, I saw her standing outside of her locker, suckling on a bottle of green fluid. She said it was a kale smoothie, but I knew better:

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And last night, I saw her walk into this restaurant:

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…where they probably do incredibly peasant-like things, like drink beer out of bowls.

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(That does NOT count! That was a matter of convenience and *green living*.)

Want to know something else about Prague? She’s kind of…*loose.* probably on account of all the drinking…

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I mean, does she really have to *put it all out on the shelf* like that? Leave something to the imagination, won’t you!

Honestly, I think Prague is just going for that “damaged but beautiful,” “boho-chic” kind of image:

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Everyone has a stage like that…

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I guess I can’t really judge Prague. After all, she’s been a great friend to me:

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She may ride the Hot Mess Express at times.

But one thing is for sure…

She’s still got her:

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